Keith tots up the scores in TV3's new gameshow

TV3 have announced their newest reality TV show – “It’s a Knock-out” featuring Joe Coleman and his painfully retarded sidekick, Keith. The show will involve a series of games such as ‘Who can burn their corneas out quickest by staring at directly at the sun’ and ‘Where’s Mary?’, in which teams will have to study cartoons to find the image of the blessed virgin not knowing she doesn’t appear at all.

Head of progamming at TV3, Martin King, says “It’s deadly!”

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Ryan Tubridy has denied his ignorance of the internet is ‘just an act’ after he was accused of hacking into NASA’s servers using an Alpha build of Ubuntu and a self-programmed port scanner written in Perl. “I don’t even know what blag or a blog or whatever is. As for Twitter? Never heard of it”, said @ryantubridy.

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Senator Ronan Mullen will read from his new book of poetry ‘It’s not my fault Jesus hates you because you’re an athiest faggot’ in the National Library at 7pm on Friday. Refreshments and cocktail mini sausages will be served. Admission €5 for non Opus Dei members.

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Kathryn Thomas has been signed to play Skeletor in a new He-Man movie set to start filming at Ardmore Studios next month. “She’s got that kind of natural scariness we’ve been looking for”, said director Neil Jordan. The role of He-Man has yet to be confirmed but industry sources say it’s down to a straight fight between Ronan Keating and Ivan Yates.

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Dublin councillor Killian Forde will lift the lid on life inside Sinn Féin in an exclusive interview with Ursula Halligan. In her new series, Undressed with Ursula, she takes Paula Yates tactic of interviewing people in bed to the next level. Forde says he hadn’t intended to reveal as much as he did but the sight of Halligan’s be-quiffed bush unsettled him so much he just kept talking.