Tributes to teen sensation Miley Cyrus have been dribbling in since it was unexpectedly revealed today that the Hannah Montana star is in her last days, relatively speaking. The singer’s team of doctors  have released a statement confirming rumours that Ms Cyrus is indeed suffering from what has become known as ‘The Human Condition’.  Since turning 17 on November 23rd of last year, Cyrus’ body has begun to decay on a cellular level, leading to skin slackening, muscle wastage and a slow reduction in her mental faculties. Experts say the condition could take as much as 80 years to run its course.

Sadly, MIley's eyes are already dead

Speaking to The Irish Sentinel, Avrid Singh, trichologist to  Pop Princess Cyrus elaborated: “She may live to the ripe old age of 92 before dying surrounded by strangers in a Howth nursing home. She may perish in childbirth at 34 while giving birth to IV induced octuplets or she may succumb next week, when a deranged scalp  expert finally sees a chance to obtain revenge for 6 months of  casual homespun southern racism and unreasonable attention to follicle detail, by kidnapping Miley and her daddy Billy Ray and attempting an unanaesthetised achy breaky heart transplant operation on the unlucky father and daughter pair. Either way, we know this much: Miley Cyrus will die. At some point.”

Among those expressing their shock and sadness at the unexpected news of Miley’s mortality were occasional co-stars The Jonas Brothers: “We just can’t believe it,” said Joe, Nick and Kevin, simultaneously. “We thought Miley would live forever, just like her career. And our careers. And us. Why can’t Miley live forever, like us?!” sobbed the trio.  A more measured response came from  Ms Cyrus’ godmother, Dolly Parton: “Whatcha gonna do?” Parton questioned rhetorically through a mouthful of baccy, “We all gotta go sometime! Well, all expect me! I got me a spare heart put in the left one and a spare brain in the right one during the last surgery. Am ah gonna do just peachy, darlin’!”

Mick Lally was unavailable for comment, but is thought to be relieved at his imminent reclamation of the Miley name.