News that festering pork-slit, Mary Lou McDonald, has crashed out of public life has been greeted with enthusiasm by anyone with two brain cells to rub together, according to initial reports on the public reaction to last Friday’s elections.

“Who the fuck is she kidding with her stupid face and her crap mullet? She has about as much to do with republicanism as the new Lexus ISS220d.,” said one taxi driver.

With ‘Toodle-Lou’ out of the picture, the role of irksome, gobby Dublin-based fem-bot politician falls to the comically named Lucinda Creighton. Opponents of the FG dung beetle have repeatedly drawn attention her online namesake, a star of many DIY-themed pornography features. One such film, ‘Loose-inda and the incinerator’, sees our girl fight valiantly against a realistic plan for waste management only to be triple-penetrated by three black men, before almost choking to death in a torrent of jism.

Indeed, it’s a tough period for women politicians of every hue and it now seems certain that Minister for saying ‘fuck’ too much, Mary Coughlan, will be moved away from the rather important role of finding jobs for the country and right into the Department of Justice. When questioned on how appropriate it might be to have a Minister from Donegal in Justice in light of the Morris Tribunal, Coughlan said:

“Lick the f*****g c** out of my juicy f*****g f***hole you dirty f*****g a**eater!”

Nevertheless, media remained focused on the Tánaiste’s low profile as Fine Gael made huge grounds in the local elections. But experts say it remains to be seen whether a generation of new political hopefuls have shot their load too early by plumping for the blue-shirts during Fianna Fáil’s darkest hour. One political analyst explains:

“The essential difference between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael is principles – Fine Gael have them and Fianna Fáil don’t. What voters conveniently forget is that a democracy gives you the politicians you deserve and previous elections clearly show us that principles are a burden at the ballot. This is why Fine Gael never get elected – they refuse to swallow their fairly crap principles and they can’t compete with Fianna Fáil, the party most likely to respond to the question ‘what is you name’ with the answer ‘what do you want it to be?”

“We had Bertie and the PDs and then Bertie the Socialist, all delivered without a hint of irony. This is possible because the national electorate is largely made up of queue-skipping, back-handed, scratch-my-back, selfish, cheating Irish people who see the application of rules as a direct affront to their ‘unconquerable’ charm. And then we all wonder where the support for Fianna Fáil comes from.”

“When the current downturn passes, a lot of rookie political blood will be spilt as the nation adopts its more comfortable position of ‘fuck the greater good, what can you do for ME?’ and we can expect Fianna Fáil to claw back a lot of ground in that environment.”