Flushed with the success of his radio ads encouraging people to spend every waking hour in the pub – responsibly – funny bald man, Dara O’Briain is set to take his lovable delivery into the awkward hearts and minds of thirteen-year-olds all over Ireland.

 “For Big Tobacco to stay profitable we need to start 500 teens smoking every day. It’s a tough challenge, but as long as it’s delivered in a tone of cuddly bonhomie, I think we can make the difference,” said O’Briain.

 The campaign, which is called ‘Don’t be so shit – light a cigarette and suffocate your inner dork, you fucking asshole’, aims to play on the obvious vulnerability of young teenagers and their well-documented need to be accepted by their peers. A spokesman for Marlboro explained the insight that informs the new campaign.

 “Marketing to a young audience is difficult, because you have to put yourself in the frame of mind of people who are gob-smackingly stupid and dumb. The idiocy of young teens in particular defies belief, so essentially we will brow-beat these greasy, pimply turds into smoking by telling them how shit they are if they don’t smoke.” 

O’Briain’s campaign, which will go to air next week, will first focus on the strong ties between smoking and sex. 

“Ah sure there’s nothing like the cigarette you have after sex! It’s only delicious as you lie there, easing your sated frame from right to left like a lion on the Serengheti. And it’s a good thing you smoke too, because if you didn’t smoke, you never would have met the goddess lying there beside you. Instead you would have been inside hoping that your crap chat up lines make up for the stench of your BO, you desperate loser. People who don’t smoke never have sex. Ever. So don’t be so shit – light a cigarette and suffocate your inner dork, you fucking asshole’ – Brought to you by a conglomerate of tobacco companies”.