Michael O’Leary has grabbed headlines again with his latest move now being a surcharge on prolonged, psychological unhappiness.

“We trade in misery at Ryanair, and no-one is going to come on one of my planes and stew in their own juices without paying me for the pleasure.”

The new charges will see recently broken-up people pay and extra €15 per seat, while all single men and women over 30 will have to pay an extra 10% in airport charges. Divorcees will be subject a €45 hike, while people who have been physically or sexually abused will have to charter their own plane at a cost of no less than €879 per passenger.

O’Leary will also introduce a blanket charge on all people with Polish passports.

“I have never seen a Polish person smile. Ever. They’re all miserable, and now they’re going to have to pay me extra to fly on my shitty planes.”

Meanwhile, having dispensed with in-person check-ins, Ryanair look set to axe their online check-in as well. A spokesman for this collection of irredeemable cocksuckers said:

“To check in, passengers will have to open the nearest window, look towards the airport and shout their reference number. There will be a charge of €75 for this service and if we don’t hear you the first time, the charge will be trebled.”

A customer satisfaction survey carried out by the Dublin Aviation Authority found that 20% of those polled said that Ryanair and Michael O’Leary were ‘outrageous’. A further 88% agreed, or strongly agreed with the statement that Michael O’Leary is ‘just a fucking asshole’, while 94% said that they ‘would definitely not piss on that child-molesting cunt if he, and his family and pets, were burning’. Coincidentally, the same percentage of people agreed that they would set O’Leary’s face on fire with specially engineered ‘flammable piss’ if given the opportunity.

Finally, 172% of people surveyed agreed that O’Leary was a thankless cock-gobbler who whined and moaned at the government to save his revolting airline from collapse by forcing Aer Lingus to allow him to fly from Dublin to London, a route without which, his evil and deplorable enterprise would never have come to symbolise everything that is wrong with greedy, grubby shithead Irishmen who feel they  are answerable to no-one because they have some cash.