A County Kildare schizophrenic has been jailed for 5 years after being found guilty of raping himself in June of last year.

Leixlip man, Ciaran Gallooogaly, turned himself in to Gardai at Harcourt St in the early hours of 6^th June 2008. The 26 year old bank official was in a visibly dishevelled state and wore no pants whatsoever. He went on to explain how his alter ego, Ciaran O-Man, had dragged him down an alley after plying him with Double Vodka and Red Bulls all night in local hostelry, CopperFaceJacks. Apparently ‘Mr.O-Man’ forced him to “masturbate furiously” and wipe the discharge, which was considerable in volume, all over his own hair and face.

A colleague of the disturbed victim/perpetrator wasn’t at all surprised upon hearing the news. “He’s always been a bit of a mentaller. He’d come in most mornings looking like the inside of a garbage truck. He smelled like a fuckin’ sewer too., the dirty bastard. People used to just humour him, give him menial jobs to do. He was a harmless enough fella though, to be fair. Having said that, there was incident a year or so back when someone kept shitting on the floor of the handicap toilet. Everyone knew it was him but when asked about it he would always blame some non-existent character he called O-Man, or some shite like that. WE all just thought it was funny, except for Roxy, the cleaning lady, she didn’t find it funny at all. She’s Lithuanian though, so fuck her!  ”

Detective Sergeant Jim Cop was on duty when Gallooogaly entered Harcourt St station that night. “The schmell was pure rotten”, remarked the Castlebar native. “He was pure schteamed and there was a load of willy goo in his hair. I didn’t know what to be doin’ at all at all. I managed to calm him down by punching him repeatedly in the face until he was unconscious.”

In Court, the defendant, who was representing himself pleaded not-guilty to raping himself and laid the blame squarely at the feet of his alternate personality, Mr O-man. Judge John Brophy, when passing verdict, said that Gallooogaly was a danger to himself and also to himself and should serve a minimum of 3 years, dependant on completion of a course in “not wanking in public for dummies”. 

As he was taken away Gallooogaly was heard screaming “YOU CAN’T LOCK ME UP WITH THIS CUNT! HE’LL JIZZ IN ME FACE AGAIN!!”