The heroic moaners of Irish sports-journalism were left chewing on their pencil-ends this week end, when Irish rugby captain broad-sided them with a dollop of semantic philosophy in a pre-match press conference. When asked his views about the upcoming game against England, O’Driscoll said:

“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing it doesn’t belong in a fruit salad.”

One radio reporter questioned the impact of tomato-less fruit salads on the bruising English defence, but generally the press corps were happy to entertain O’Driscoll’s bizarre and impenetrable answers. It wasn’t long before the questions turned to strawberries, their suitability in fruit salads, and was there any room for strawberries on the bench of an Irish squad with such depth in the back row?

“Knowing that technically a strawberry is a ‘false fruit’ is nerdy. Knowing that this is because the fleshy part of the fruit is not derived from the plant’s ovaries is frightening,” he said.  

At that point, an aperture appeared in the roof of the building and two men from Galilee lowered a cripple on a stretcher down into the conference theatre. O’Driscoll, taking pity on the cripple, commanded that he get up, pick up his stretcher and walk out of the place, which he duly did. 

Meanwhile, the arrival of a radioactive paedophile in Ireland has caused a brief and now-finished outbreak of super-heroism. Sadly, before Captain Ireland-man, or Guinness-Boy could use their powers of drink-driving, An Garda Síochána had apprehended the suspect through operation ‘he-glows-in-dark’. A spokesman for the Gardai said:

“We lured the suspect into a trap by tying a bunch of naked orphans together. We then leaked their location to a Belgian website and turned off the lights. Earlier, we had hooked up a portable Geiger-counter to a mercury switch, a big net, and a tank of gunge and the whole thing went off like the A-Team. I can confirm that this was the single coolest operation that the Gardai have ever pulled off, and we’re all heading off for a few beers to celebrate.”