There was further bad news for Jade Goody as a spokesperson for God announced last night that the reality TV star would not be admitted to heaven without some kind of a trial.

Speaking to Sky News reporter Kay Burley, Saint Peter said that he understood it was a difficult time for Jade but that she could not be considered a ’special case’.

No entry - Jade will have to pass test

“The bottom line is that deathbed conversions and behaving nicely in the final days of your life will save you from eternal damnation but it doesn’t give you the key to the executive bathroom straight away.

Like anyone else in her position, who turns to religion at the end and has their children christened so they can be with mummy when their time comes, she’s going to have to spend a bit of time in purgatory.

There she can spend a little while contemplating her life and her behaviour. After a time we’ll set a series of tests (nothing too strenuous, perhaps some geography questions) and if she passes those then she can gain admittance to the first level of heaven.

Oh yes, of course there are levels. You don’t think membership for ordinary people is the same as the VIP stuff for those who live their whole lives virtuously, do you? Oh, you do. How hilarious. Dante would get such a kick out of you”.

Speaking from Jade’s mansion, PR person Max Clifford said he would lobby God directly to allow Jade direct access to paradise, citing the fact that she is the only person dying of cancer and should, therefore, be given whatever she wants.

Meanwhile, Justice Secretary Jack Straw is ignoring claims for a curfew on Goody’s husband, Jack Tweed, to be lifted.

A government spokesperson said “Just because his wife has cancer doesn’t mean he’s not a convicted, violent criminal who beat a young man about the head with a golf club”.