A new survey shows that 82% of men said they would rather throw rocks at Peaches Geldof than touch any part of her with their penis, while Bianca Gascoigne came 15th in the ranking of ‘things I would like to see my curried vomit land on’. On sexual health, Jodie Marsh has leap-frogged Chlamydia to become the second biggest cause of sexual transmitted disease in the UK, while Pixie Geldof got favourable ratings from zombies and other fans of the undead.

The news comes on foot of a crisis in the Britain that has emerged in recent times, which has seen the stock of the average English lass plummet through the floor.

Amy Whinehouse - the best selling badger in history

Salman Rushdie said, “Once names like Liz Hurley and Kate Beckinsale were synonymous with classy, reserved ladies who purred with sexual energy, but the last year or two has seen an explosion of utterly rubbish birds, while once promising youngsters have aged poorly. Lily Allen is a brainless skank, all of the Sugarbabes are hideous, Denise Van Outen looks less Gwen Stefani and more Hulk Hogan and the Cat Deeley / Dani Behr collective look like Mick McCarthy.”

“If it wasn’t for Cheryl Cole, there would be zero reasons for having an erection on the British mainland,” Rushdie finished.

Accusations of brute-ugliness have unsurprisingly been levelled at Amy Winehouse but those close to singer claim that she is not a frightening looking woman, but rather a very, very attractive badger.

“It is possible for someone to have so much TB that they become more badger than human. That’s what happened with Amy, and her badger fan-base has led to the recent surge in record sales at HMV,” a friend said.

All the same three out of five men surveyed said they would rather have a relationship with the map of Africa in the armpit of their blue shirt than with Amy Winehouse, who recently frightened the stiffness out of a hypodermic needle.