England’s most famous racist water-buffalo, Jade Goody looks set to lose her battle against cancer anytime now, in what the majority of poll respondents agree is ‘no great loss’.

Jade pictured in better days

A spokesman for cancer said: “Of course she’s going to lose her battle against cancer. No one beats cancer. The US army and Diego Maradona don’t beat cancer. Jade Goody is toast. On the plus side though you have to give cancer a bit of credit here – it’s turned an appalling, self-promoting, ignoramus into the new Diana. Truly Jade will be the Queen of Hearts now.”

Goody herself was all too willing to comment on her plight, but this reporter felt that she has said quite enough already, and chose instead to make light of her imminent demise. Jade will eventually be best forgotten about, but while her star fades, she will be best remembered for incensing the nation of India with a few choice vindaloo-inspired words.

Ex-S-Club 7 star and close friend Jo O’Meara said: “It’s terrible what’s happening to Jade, innit? I plan to release a song about our friendship called ‘You, Me and too much KFC’.”

In other vacuous celebrity news, a great number of people you wouldn’t know from Adam – and could give less of a shit about – all got together to pat themselves on the back at the Irish Film and Television Awards last Saturday. The gala-event was entirely un-gala-like as a series of squat munters waddled up the red carpet lathered in an ocean of orange make-up.

By far the most interesting detail to emerge from this celebration of rank mediocrity was the news that Jonathon Rhys Meyers didn’t show up because he had to attend a special fitting for a new range of Jimmy Choo Uggs.