The world of Irish publishing is bracing itself for a wave of deeply symbolic, allegorical fiction that will contrast the collapse of the Irish economy with the meteoric rise of Irish sport in the past week. It remains unclear, however, why things rise meteorically, when in reality such projectiles are characterised by a spectacluar and often planet-threatening fall. 

Nevertheless the arts scene is buzzing with news that John Banville, a man so humble he refers to himself in the third person, will pen such a masterpiece and early indicators suggest we are in for a classic:  

“The main character is poverty-trapped-Tony. He’s an ageing fellow whose wife has died and who suffers from mild depression due to an estrangement from his 22-year-old daughter whom he secretly wants to have sex with,” John Banville said that John Banville said. “Essentiallly it’s exactly like every other book that John Banville has ever written.”  

Banville, who has just finished a fourth detective novel that has no plot whatsoever and features a protagonist whose wife has died and who suffers from mild depression due to an estrangement from his 22-year-old daughter whom he secretly wants to have sex with, hopes to have the new book out in time for the Irish rugby team to choke before winning the grandslam, thereby tearing the arse out of the ‘celtic tiger as metaphor or the celtic tiger’ market.