Two of Ireland’s most prominent bloggers have escalated their war of words as they both reach the finals of the blog awards. Nice Guy and Fucking Zeitgeist Abuse Guy have grown their respective community of supporters rapidly over the past year and both have a rating of 9.1 and 9.3 sychophants per blog post as we go into February 2009.

Nice Guy’s technique for winning over the masses is to be nice to everyone and everything all the time. His secret, as recently published in his eWebBook ‘Picture your life … on my blog’, is to build strong foundations even before your first blog post. Included in the eBook is the Bloggers Bingo Card® which provides a motivational game for new bloggers. Filled with all the usual popular bloggers, the aim is to get photographed with them, link incessantly to them and interview them while also writing blog posts about any elements in your personal life that would make a made for TV movie starring the Mom from Family Ties.

When you fill your Bloggers Bingo Card®, you win. But if you don’t fill it in, you win too, because simply taking part is what counts.

Irish Blog Awards organisers not expecting outbreak of violent singing and dancing.

Fucking Zeitgeist Abuse Guy thinks that this technique is “fucking bullshit from a fucking failed priest, the fucker” and orders us to listen to The Message©. The Message© is to find out what the most talked about item in current affairs is, write an outraged blog post about it and link to as many other blog posts you did too.

“I’m like that fucker Kevin Costner”, he says. “If you link it, they will come”.

Nice guy agreed with everything that Fucking Zeitgeist Abuse guy said and also agreed with Hitler, Ghandi, Margaret Thatcher, Gerry Adams and a man who said there should be more tsunamis in his reply. 

However, blog world insiders have told the Irish Sentinel that on the night of the awards special care would have be taken to prevent the outbreak of serious violence. “This is gonna be like West Side Story dude. You’ve got the Nice Guy Jets and the Fucking Zeitgeist Abuse Guy Sharks. At the moment an uneasy truce exists simply because Nice Guy keeps agreeing with everything Fucking Zeitgeist Abuse Guy says. But the law of averages tells us that at some point Nice Guy is going to disagree with him.

We’ve had our best statisticians on this and there’s a 98.65% chance this is going to happen at the Blog Awards at around 10.56pm, when the show is over and some amount of alcohol has been consumed. When that happens the Nice Guy Jets will be all like ‘I’m so pretty’ and the Fucking Zeitgeist Abuse Guy Sharks will be all ‘One Hand, One Heart’ or ‘America’. 

When that happens you’d better get out of the way because this is going to be a serious rumble – like a bunch of Hobbits walking into Sauron’s local one Sunday afternoon and turning off the football because they want to watch Antiques Roadshow”.

Event organisers say they are ‘unconcerned’ at the possibility of violence between the two factions but do admit that a St John’s ambulance crew will be on stand-by as a ‘precautionary measure’.