“Wait… WHOA! Can you guys actually see what we’re doing?!?”

Such were the words of one senior Irish Life & Permanent executive after it emerged that Anglo Irish Bank and IL&P had been playing a game of ‘give me the lend of four to six billion euro, will you?’

Jessica Alba - hands down bikini shot fooled Financial Regulator

Anglo Irish Bank came in for further… well really what the fuck can you say about these guys? Apparently nothing they do leads to any consequences. Nevertheless, the shower of complete cunts who constitute our banking system decided to juggle some billions to make Anglo’s balance sheet ‘look good’ at the crucial moment last September. Know what else would make their balance sheet look good? A picture of Jessica Alba with her hand inside her bikini bottoms. Front or back, I’m easy.

The Minister for Finance defended the move, because apparently that’s what the Minister for Finance in Ireland does. He makes excuses for banks that have run themselves into the ground, and then he gives them a seven-billion-euro bailout, and asks them to take a pay cut and they say, ‘go fuck yourself’. If this doesn’t copper-fasten our credibility with international markets nothing will. Except, perhaps, ownership of a picture of Jessica Alba with her hand inside her bikini bottoms. Indeed experts agree that Jessica Alba’s fine ass may just be the solution to the unprecedented financial crisis we now find ourselves in.

Meanwhile, the Taoiseach was upbeat about the education cuts:

“The easiest thing for a government to do is attack a constituency that has no voice and that is potentially too uneducated to vote. From our point of view, it’s a no-brainer,” said Cowen, without irony. “Some of the 900 special needs kids literally cannot speak and their parents are usually too emotionally and financially drained to effectively organise themselves into a lobby to be reckoned with. So we’ll take the odd bit of abuse on Liveline and that will be that.”

Ending on a positive note, Brian Cowen said: “There’s a part to play for every member of Irish society, and as long as you’re not taught how to add, or pick up the phone, that part is called Financial Regulation.”

Former Financial Regulator, Pat ‘I’m not looking into it’ Neary, could not be reached for comment because the useless prick is unable to find a ringing telephone on the desk in front of him. Financial Regulation in Ireland is currently being supervised by several hungry chimpanzees until the special needs children have been sufficiently down-skilled for the role.