Authors and playwrights are up in arms at the latest stand-out performance of the Irish rugby team. The team lifted the spirits of the nation last Saturday with a dazzling display, but delusional writers all over the country who have yet to drown in their own conceits are dismayed at the possible grand-slam.

“Everything was perfect,” said Ferdia McGlowerty, who plans to release a book this year in which every single character is called Ferdia. “The team was in decline, key players were past their best, and the Celtic tiger had been shot stone-dead by the great white hunter of the property crash. Using the Irish rugby team as a metaphor for a supposed golden-age of Ireland was, like, just so perfect and original and… now what?”

Now what? That’s the question that now plagues writers and people with Down Syndrome all over the country. Plans to scupper Ireland’s chances in this year’s competition are already underway, and opponnents of success look likely to roll out the ‘expectation’ model.

“As everyone know, nothing paralyses an Irish sports team like the expectation that they should win. With one or two choice words about what a good thing a grand slam would be for the country, we feel certain that the lads will choke like they always do,” said George Hook.