Two titans of the broadcasting world got their mic leads in a tangle when it emerged that veteran-veteran Henry Kelly warned Gerry Ryan that he was playing a ‘dangerous game’ by refusing to take a pay cut, like most of RTE’s big hitters. Gerry Ryan responded by saying that Henry Kelly’s Going For Gold  was an incredibly, impossibly boring game and that Kelly himself was a forgotten afternoon TV shithead.

Speaking from the set of his current project, ‘There Will Be Biscuits’, Ryan said:

Kelly - upset at Tubridy lookalike claims

“Henry Kelly has done more to harm the idea of European interculturalism than Hitler. Who wants to see a bunched of confused looking Dutch grannies hopefully answer ‘strooop?’ to every question. He can stick that in his golden zone, the cunt!”

Sources say that Gerry Ryan refuses to take a pay cut because his smart-arse missus is milking him for half of eveything, so despite a pay packet as big as the junk food aisle in Lidl, Ryan is as short on cash as he is on televisual appeal. Ryan split from his wife because I-don’t-know-why, and he’s not alone – RTE’s other Ryan (Tubridy) recently parted ways with his wife because who-fucking-cares?

The fault-lines in Gerry/Tubridy relations became more visible when it emerged that Gerry Ryan accused Tubridy of being Henry Kelly from the 1970s. “Look at them two and tell me Tubridy’s not some sort of clone dredged from the past to smarm me to death!”, he said.

The Tubridy Show took a jaundiced view of this accusation of assassination-by-light-entertainment and one producer said: “Well I suppose they do look a little similar.” The writers of the Terminator films are meanwhile said to be seeking legal advice.

It had been hope that the Ryan / Kelly dispute could be mediated by Carol Vorderman and she did offer to have Channel 6 invent a presenter called Ryan Kelly, but at the time of printing she was unavailable for comment on account of her toying an adjustable set-square.