Senior figures in Government are in dire need of sexual healing, say insiders, but the social partners are resolute in their refusal to bend over and take it in the ass like usual. Naturally this is causing problems because, as one source in the Department of the Taoiseach pointed out, a partnership without butt sex isn’t much of a partnership at all. 

“The cabinet is ready to bust a nut! If it could fuck itself, it would, and there’s no denying they tried that every day of 2009. It’s a race to the bottom – which is not to be confused with Boy George’s Friday night race-up-your-hostage’s-bottom,” the source said. 

Meanwhile comedy vortex Brian Cowen oozed into the government press centre yesterday in the hopes of swallowing a dose of political Viagra, but it was another limp performance from the Taoiseach who failed to sock it to a country that is drunk, on all fours and gagging for a shag before the hangover hits.  The Taoiseach did manage a semi for the six o’clock news, but as commentators pointed out, there’s not much point in flicking the bean when what that drunk bitch really needs a gash-full of cock. 

As the TV cameras rolled inside, the whining-brat ‘No fees’ protest was dramatically upstaged by seven or eight comedy writers who loudly voiced their complaints about the current Taoiseach. “He’s not funny,” said one writer, who refused to be named, or indeed published. “Okay, Martin Turner always draws him with a fag hanging out of his ear, and that’s funny, but strictly speaking that’s not funny writing. Where are the upset apple tarts? Where are the mirrors and daggers in which to smoke our cloaks? What we have is an ugly bastard with blubbery lips and his shirt hanging out. That’s not comedy, that’s a fucking lock-in in Offaly.” 

While public confidence in the government crashes through the floor, opinion polls shows that four out of five Irish people believe the economy could be solved by electing a black guy.