In a shocking and tearful statement today Irish Times columnist Roisin Ingle has admitted to being Spiderman.

It had long been thought that intrepid photographer, Peter Parker, was the man behind the mask but in a hastily arranged press conference today Ingle admitted she had been the web-slinging vigilante all along.

Her confession came after a photograph appeared in the Sunday World which showed Spiderman with swollen and misshapen bosoms. At first there was speculation that the superhero was undergoing hormone treatment as part of a sex-change procedure but that was quickly ruled out when photographic experts analysed the picture in more detail.

Spiderman has had his knockers down the years, but none like these

They identified a yellow substance around the mouth as crumbs of Battenberg, Ingle’s favourite cake. With the threat of public exposure imminent Ingle herself faced the media.

Speaking from the Gateaux factory in Finglas she said “I’m sorry to have misled people all this time, but I just felt the interests of the world were better served if people didn’t know my true identity.

It was better if they thought it was Peter, who has done a sterling job down the years and I thank him for that. I’d also like to thank all those members of the public who have been so supportive and such a great help as I have battled the likes of the Green Goblin, Mephisto and Ryan Tubridy, all the while producing top quality content for the Irish Times every Saturday in my ‘make you laugh, make you cry’ column.

I’d also like to apologise to the man whose 09 Audi I crushed when I lost hold of my web swinging down Dawson Street the other week. My bad!

For now I think it’s time I hung up my spider mask, my incredibly strong web, and sat down with the boyfriend to discuss the future. He wasn’t too happy with me doing spider-stuff at the moment anyway. He was concerned that one of the twins might flop out as I swooped off Liberty Hall in pursuit of a baddie”.

Ingle’s exposure and the retirement of Spiderman leaves a gap in the market for a new hero to protect the public from villains whose evil plots are always far too elaborate to possibly work out. However, rumours that Liam Ó Maonlaí is to make a return to public life as ‘Looks like he has forty kinds of lice-man’ have been confirmed as untrue.