Leading Naturalist and broadcaster, Sir David Attenborough has predicted that the drastic changes we are currently seeing in the global climate could soon lead to sub zero temperatures in the Mediterranean, sub-Saharan Africa and even in the firey pits of hell.

 Attenborough forecasts that a reversal of global warming caused by a new phenomenon known as ‘The Harney Effect’ will see temperatures drop across the globe at an alarming rate.

 ”The world as we know it will cease to exist.”, whispered Attenborough from his lair deep within Mount Etna. “I never in a million years thought one human being could have such an effect on the global climate but by Jove I was wrong. The sheer power of her farts make an atomic bomb seem like a childs fun snap. It’s incredible. Every time she lets one go the sun is driven back as far as 2 miles from the surface of the earth. In relative terms this may not seem like much but with her flatulence problem, we’re in real trouble. She’s caffling at a rate of 60-70 a day, depending on how many footlong meatball subs she’s wolfed down. Think about it, that’s over 100 miles a day, which equates to almost 4000 miles a year. In ten years time we’ll be fucking frozen. The only thing to do is invest in Lowe Alpine, buy a couple of super sers and hope for the best.”

This news came as no surprise to Benny Brown, a strawberry farmer from Ferns, Co. Wexford.

Getting to grips with climate change

 ”My crop has been getting poorer and poorer over the past 5 or 6 years and I couldn’t figure out why. Living in the sunny south east all my life I’ve been use to scolding temperatures of up to 21 degrees celcius in the height of Summer. The last few years have barely seen the mercury rise into the teens. I’m having to grow spuds now and everything. It’s humiliating. Everyone knows that potato farmers are faggots. I’m not a faggot.

Alarm bells really started to ring when I was walking down by Mingeler’s Cross and I saw family of Polar bears feasting on the carcass of a seal”

“It’s a fucking nightmare and no mistake. Even the wife is in me ear moaning about how cold it is at the side of the N11 where she sits for 300 days of the year selling our produce and she’s a moaney auld hag at the best of times. Something needs to be done.”

With many of the world’s superpowers now expressing genuine concern over climate change and pumping billions of dollars into tackling the problem, hope remains that the consequences of The Harney Effect can be nullified before it’s too late.

 Attenborough, however, is not convinced. “I predict hell will freeze over on 30 June, 2021″. Ironically, this happens to be the same date Mary Harney has pencilled in to start on the Atkins diet.