World-improving policies opposed by rich, fat, white status quo as Obama chooses venn diagram of goodwill over axis of evil.

President Barack Obama, the world’s best living human being, recently announced that America would aim for oil independence, thereby reducing the threats posed by its dependence on foreign oil supplied by sometimes hostile regimes. Republican Party Minority Leader, John A. Boehner (real name), said, “No shit. He actually said that”.

This has caused consternation throughout the diplomatic world as leaders and key figures struggle to come to terms with a politician who actually does what he says he’s going to do.

“It’s like the last eight years of the Bush administration have paved the way for this completely unprecedented challenge to an entrenched and dangerously powerful corporate / republican status quo. I mean … they’re going to shoot this guy, I’m telling you that for free”, Boehner continued.

Cheney - would like to teach the world to sing

Critics have been quick to point out that a government that works for the people could never work in reality and that federal funding is nothing but a bizarre and unlikely offshoot of a self-serving, corrupt system that has ensured poverty and destitution for not just a vast underclass of Americans, but many misfortunate nations around the world who remain propped up by 20 or 30 Ivy League inbreeds whose fathers were a big deal in the 1950s.

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney, who will have the now defunct Guantanamo Bay Camp X-Ray lovingly rebuilt in his back garden, said, “Let me assure you that no slithering, evil tentacle of Haliburton will not rest until it has choked the life and hope out of every man woman and child who wakes up today thinking ‘Hey! the world is definitely becoming a better, more positive place!”

At home, Taoiseach Brian Cowen defended his performance since taking power last year, saying, “Don’t give me any jip about ‘just doing the right thing’ like your man over there in America. If that worked, someone would have tried it ages ago. Basketball court me arse.”