With huge public spending cuts expected to be announced by the government, fans of monkeys will be unhappy to hear that Brian Cowen is introducing new legislation which will prevent people from owning more than one monkey at a time.

Cowen, unusually flushed, appeared before the Dail today

He is also set to introduce a monkey tax which is based on the monkey’s usefulness around the house. Therefore people who have helper monkeys will be expected to pay more than those who have a gibbon swinging around their back garden. The government has decided such measures are necessary after it was discovered that people were using a loophole in the law to claim children’s allowance for their pet monkeys.

Recent estimates put the annual cost of monkey ownership in Ireland at somewhere between €400-€500m. Any household which has more than one monkey is being given a choice of either donating the monkey to a friend or relative or having the monkey join a circus or zoo. Should any monkeys fail to be repatriated they will be taken away and shot in the face.

“I’m disgusted”, said Malcolm Ryan of Rathmines, “I have three bonobos, two marmosets, a capuchin and two squirrel monkeys. I’m not claiming any fraudulent benefit so why should I be punished?”

But speaking to the Dail this evening the Taoiseach said “The monkey population of Ireland has quadrupled, twice, in the last 3 years and we simply cannot manage. I know this is going to affect some ordinary decent people who enjoy their monkeys and their monkey business but for the long term good of the country we have no choice”.

A march to protest against the measure has been arranged for this Saturday. Monkey supporters, who have likened Cowen’s edict to that of Hitler when he wiped out the entire anteater population of Germany in 1937, will walk from the home of Sentator David Norris, himself an owner of howler monkey triplets, to Dail Eireann. All are welcome.