Angry citizens of cartoon land have slammed Charlie Brown and his bohemian friends after details of a shocking abuse case emerged. One of Brown’s group, Pigpen, was frequently seen in school with dirty clothes, stink lines and, from time to time, flies around his head.

Charlie Brown preferred opium dens to helping his friend

An investigation by social workers has revealed that Pigpen was forced to live in absolute squalor, with no running water, only being fed twice a week, with head lice crawling down his face, wearing shoes that were two sizes too small, urinating on walls and defecating in his underwear. His clothes were never washed and simply burned when they became too dirty. After being taken into care he told carers that his mother had forced him on four separate occasions to have sex with her.

He is being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder and it is believed he has tried to kill himself more than once. Speaking to the Irish Sentinel yesterday, Mrs Winifred E Coyote said “How could this not be noticed or seen? Why did nobody do something? This boy was failed by everybody around him. No right-thinking person could or should stand idly by and watch without doing anything.”

Speaking from Bloom County courthouse, Milo Bloom said “I’ve always hated Charlie Brown. You can just imagine him and his dope-smoking friends all having a good time dancing around a mini-piano, completely ignoring poor old Pigpen. It’s obvious to everyone that the lad was in need of help but not one of them said a word”.

And from Stripes Nightclub, proprietor Calvin said “I know I was a bit of a tearaway when I was young but my parents never inflicted anything like that on me. I got sent to my room without dinner, I never had to plough my mom”.

Pigpen’s mother, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was taken into custody and will charged with non-cartoon violence, a crime punishable by having a 100ton weight dropped on you and then your flattened body being chopped up into hundreds and hundreds of little pieces before being scattered far and wide to prevent them coming back together with a hilarious sound-effect.