The government is to distribute shares of Anglo Irish Bank amongst the public once the nationalisation is ratified in the Dail on Tuesday. Each house will be sent a booklet containing up to 50 shares, depending on how many people are resident, their Dublin postcode (if applicable) and the employment status.

Each share provides €1,256 worth of the bad debt of Anglo’s loan book which holders will be required to pay back to the exchequer by the end of October 2010.

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A new musical to raise awareness of child abuse begins tonight at the Tivoli Theatre. “Stop touching my special area” will star Twink, Mick Lally and Saoirse Ronan and tells the story of a little girl who is being abused by her grandfather and when she tells her grandmother discovers that the old lady is a predatory, incestuous lesbian.

The music for the show has been specially written by Andrea Corr and the lead singer of The Four of Us.

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Muslims are subjected to more racist abuse than any other group in Ireland, according to a survey by the National Anti-Racism Board.

“We think it’s because they have stupid beards and wear smocks”, said a spokesperson.

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Gardai fear Ireland’s first serial killer is on the loose after a spate of murders in Limerick. Forty-three people have been killed since last Tuesday and it is feared a disgruntled Dell employee is to blame.

“We’d just like to send a message to whoever’s doing this killings”, said Detective Sergeant Malachy Selby, “and the message is: it’s much easier to kill people in Poland and far more cost effective”.

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An Eircom official told colleagues they should think of music piracy as ‘sharing’ and “helping the health and good living of rich cocaine sniffing rock stars by leaving them with less free money to spend on sex and drugs, the High Court heard today.

“We need to reach a decision on how we are going to handle this,” the email said. “PS ‘piracy’ is a loaded term. Could we say ‘sharing‘- ‘piracy’ implies there’s something wrong with it.”

Erm…