New year’s eve – a time when many people commit suicide. For those who aren’t such cowardly pussies it’s a chance to put a bad year behind them and start again.

However, folk who have suffered throughout 2008 and are hoping the new one will be better will be dismayed by reports from New Zealand which claim 2009 is the worst year since records began.  Helplines are being bombarded by phone calls from members of public who say they’re sick of the new year already.

Auckland experiencing the hell of 2009 already

“I called because I had a really crappy 2008″, said Ambrose Finn (45), a resident of Auckland. “I was really praying that 2009 would be better but I can state without any hesitation that this year is already worse. At midnight I puckered up for a kiss under the mistletoe with my wife but instead of my wife someone put a possum in its place. Which wasn’t so bad but it bit my tongue.

After that I went to the bar, was shortchanged and my gin and tonic was made with Bombay Sapphire and not Tanqueray like I’d asked. On the way home I got caught at every red light and then when we came into the house the cat had been sick on the sofa.

I can’t believe how bad it’s been already. What’s next? Am I going to get up in the morning and only be able to find one of my slippers? Will the milk have gone off? Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if both of those things happened. My advice to people is stay in 2008 as long as you can. 2009 is worse than having to spend an evening talking about the environment with that baldy bloke from Midnight Oil”.

Preparations for Ireland’s festivities are well underway with Taoiseach Brian Cowen holding a star-studded party in Ned’s of Townsend Street. When asked if he had any New Year resolutions he said “Are you joking? I’m the boss man, I can do what the fuck I want, you fuckers”.