Anglo Irish Bank chief Sean Fitzpatrick’s life goes from bad to worse. After resigning having hidden €87m worth of loans from the bank he is accused of hiding all the staples in the head office and selling them Romanians who peddle them at traffic lights. A file is being prepared for the DPP.

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Kathryn Thomas - the queen of Carlow

The stars of In Bruges Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell are set to star in a follow-up to the hit movie. In Portumna will see them reprise their roles as hitmen at the 25th anniversary of the Boy Scout Jamboree. Farrell will fall in love with In Tua Nua singer Leslie Dowdall only to discover he’s being paid to kill and eviscerate her. A fun rom-com for all the family.

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British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has conceded that invading India would be a good way to increase the price of Sterling. “You can trace this current financial meltdown back to when the Empire began to shrink”, he said. Opponents of the scheme, who include Phil Collins and cricketer Sachin Tendulkar, have called on Brown to rethink.

“If this goes ahead”, said Tendulkar, “we will withdraw all of our franchised restaurants and takeaways from the UK. Then we’ll see who’s got the power”.

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There’s a bake sale taking place in Our Lady of the Immaculate Rectum in Santry this weekend to raise money for the Irish Society of Blind Dolphins. Everyone is welcome apart from tuna fishermen.

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RTE’s Kathryn Thomas has been awarded the freedom of Bagenalstown.

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George W Bush has pleaded for leniency for Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zaidi, who threw his shoes at the US President last week. “If it had been one of them there stilton shoes with the pointy heel then sure, lock the guy up for life, but these were flat soled loafers. He was just trying to make a point”

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Finally, union chiefs have advised all Aer Lingus staff to ‘do their utmost’ to prevent a Ryanair takeover the company. “We have looked long and hard at this”, said Stewart Shop of SIPTU, “and finally we have damning evidence. Using the awesome power of the internet we have deduced that an anagram of ‘Michael O’Leary Aer Lingus’ is ‘Hilariously large menace’.

We don’t necessarily find him hilarious but there’s doubting the largeness of his menaceosity”.