Sex offenders could be electronically tagged and monitored after leaving prison, under plans unveiled today.

Give a give a give a Garmin to your sexually abused friends and family

Justice Minister Dermot Ahern said GPS (Global Positioning System) satellite technology would track offenders for six months after release. Outlining the scheme further a government spokesperson said “We believe this is something that will benefit the public. For a start each GPS device will transmit the sex-pest’s location to a Facebook style website which will give real time updates. For example, it might say:

Dermot Gillespie, kiddie fiddler, is currently enjoying his freedom and a cup of coffee in Bewley’s on Grafton St (second table from the left as you go into the room upstairs) while the kid he touched is in still therapy, can’t sleep and is thinking of commiting suicide.

or

Mike Douglas, rapist, is having a pint in the Ainsley House.

It’ll be great information. Imagine that kid who was fiddled with was thinking about clearing his or her head and going into town for a refreshing beverage. Now they know to avoid Bewley’s. And the lady who was raped by Mike Douglas should go somewhere else for her bottle of Ritz becacuse the Ainsley House would bring back really bad memories for her”.

However, critics have suggested that providing such information will endanger the lives of the criminals as family and friends seek revenge for their atrocious crimes.

“Oh come on”, said Minister Ahern, “do you really think the people of Ireland are that backwards that they would use such technology for evil? Go on out of that. It just wouldn’t happen”.

One prisoner, due to be released from Moutnjoy this week, is afraid though. “I know if I was in their shoes I’d kill me so this is really bad news for me”.

“But you’re only a piece of shit rapist cunt though”, we replied, “why should we care?”

“You’ve got me there”, he said.

He was right. We did.

Technology firm Garmin has won the €24m contract to provide the hardware.