Following reports which suggested that up to 400 people were awaiting admission to hospitals across Ireland the HSE has insisted that ‘there’s nothing to worry about’.

Each of the patients is currently lying on a hospital trolley in a corridor, janitor’s closet, hallway or atrium but hospital administrators say media reaction has blown the problem out of all proportion.

Patients huddle for warmth in Beaumont hospital yesterday

“It’s not like it used to be”, said Harney Lackeybot Mk 2.3, directly from the HSE Bunker in Molesworth Street. “In the old days the trolleys were not that great, we freely admit that, but nowadays we have replaced those with state of the art new trolleys with fully functional wheels.

As well as that we have added full entertainment suites to each trolley location, meaning the humanoids, I mean patients, patients, are kept amused at all times. For example, there is a comprehensive library in each section and for the slightly less injured or ill patients there’s an exercise we call ‘Toilet dash’, which keeps them riveted let me tell you. The basic conceit is that the patient has to scurry to the toilet and hope their trolley hasn’t been given to a new patient in the meantime.

You hear people like Eamonn Keane on Newstalk going on and on about the failings of the health service but let me ask him and his ilk this? If we have no beds where else are we supposed to put these people? Trolleys and coridors are the only option. I can tell you that in England they’re left outside on benches bought from Homebase. Would he have us take the people off the trolleys and put them out into the bitter cold? We’re ahead of the game here in Ireland, we really are”.

But not all patients agree. John O’Sullivan has been waiting for admission to Tallaght Hospital since 2002. “The doctors told me I only had 6 months to live. Got the cancer, you see. But I’ve been on this trolley since the day I arrived and I’m fucked if I’m going to die and make it easy for him. And as for this ‘entertainment suites’, as they call them, a few raggedy copies of weeks-old Heat and Hello magazines are not what I’d call entertainment.

If I wanted to know about the state of Kerry Katona’s gee I’d ring up that cunt Brian McFadden”.

Minister for Health, Mary Harney, was unavailable for comment but sources have told the Irish Sentinel that a new Trolley Displacement Committee has been set up to look into the problem. To create the available resources 52 nurses have been fired with immediate effect.