A County Mayo farmer has been arrested and charged with mass murder as the pork crisis took a sinister turn yesterday. With products heading back onto the shelves and bacon addicts across the land now able to go to bed without seeing dead babies crawling across the roof at them while techno music plays in their heads, there were distressing scenes at Gerry O’Toole’s farm just outside Claremorris.

Garda Finbar O'Loughlin escapes the scene

Gardai were alerted when locals reported a strange smell and high-pitched squeals and screams. They arrived on the scene with two vets in the belief that pigs were being slaughtered inhumanely but were shocked at what they saw.

“I’ve had to give some of the men time off. They’re traumatised and frankly I don’t blame them”, said Superintendent Declan Burke of Castlebar Garda station. “In all my years in this force I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything that put the heart as crossways in me as this did. It was absolute carnage. There were bits everywhere, gore, limbs, heads, and the flies. Jesus Christ, there were enough flies to feed the whole of Ethiopia for a month.”

Eye-witnesses said the Gardai and vets emerged from the farm with crusted vomit around their mouths, some of them weeping inconsolably. Mr O’Toole was led away and later charged with 146 counts of first degree murder.

His lawyer, Steve Austin, told the Irish Sentinel, “The whole thing is just a big mistake. He was listening to Today FM and he heared Ray Darcy say that it was ok for pigmy processing to begin again and, desperate as he was to start providing his customers with product, he imported a load of them from Borneo and got to work.

We’re sure the judge will understand given the very trying circumstances of the last week”.