There is a giant black hole at the centre of Urlingford, Co. Kilkenny, a study has confirmed.

German astronomers tracked the movement of 28 stars circling the centre of south Leinster, using two telescopes in Chile. The black hole is four million times heavier than our Sun, according to the paper in The Astrophysical Journal.

Kilkenny to bring about end of world - just as Nostradamus predicted

Black holes, or to give them their Latin name ‘Naomicampbellus Anusis’, are objects whose gravity is so great that nothing – including light – can escape them. Locals are being warned to stay away and not to stare directly into the infinite chasm as the consequences could be catastrophic for the entire planet.

“It looks as if this particular black hole is dormant”, said John Quilligan of the Urlingford Astrophysical Society of Urlingford. “It has existed without anybody knowing it was there for the last 4 billion years. However, we urge the public not to start messing. For example, some smart Alec kids might think it’s a great idea to throw an empty coca-cola can into it, thinking it will appear in some other universe and hit some other smart Alec kids in the head but nothing could be further from the truth.

Black holes are like lions. A lion gets a taste for human flesh and he wants more. A black hole starts getting things chucked into it and there’s just no stopping him. He’ll start using his gravity to suck small items, then cars, people, the entire town and soon enough Ireland, then the rest of the planet will disappear and God knows where we’d be then”.

The government have contacted Professor Stephen Hawking for advice but as the voice box is not working on his wheelchair they have filled his mouth with ink and are still waiting for him to dribble a reply.