Ireland was thrown into chaos this weekend as pork products were banned from shelves across the country. The ban came as test results revealed the presence of harmful dioxin-like PCBs in the meat.

Without wishing to scaremonger at this difficult time the Irish Sentinel can only come to one conclusion: Ireland is set for another famine.

Delicious but deadly, Irish pig pictured yesterday

Already thousands of people have decided to emigrate and a new website, www.coffinships.com, has been rendered unavailable due to the incredible demand for Atlantic crossings. Experts are warning that unless emergency measures are taken then widespread starvation and disease are inevitable.

“Forget the recession or thinking of ways to adequately commemorate the death of Katy French, this is a real crisis. Just as potatoes were the staple diet in the 1800s so pork is today. Rashers, sausages, white pudding, black pudding, pork chops, deep fried snouts. Beyond that there’s little else in the average shopping trolley and people are going to die. Make no mistake, this could potentially see 90% of the population wiped out”.

The government has made an emergency appeal to England to send vital supplies but Prime Minister Gordon Brown has said that despite the drop in VAT for UK residents there will be no repeal of the Pork Laws, tariffs on pigs which keep the price of imported bacon artificially high.

And businesses are set to go to the wall with many ‘all day breakfast’ diners complaining that they have simply no way of providing customers with what they want. “What am I supposed to do?”, said Mick of Mick the Rashers in Harolds Cross. “Mick’s famous breakfast was 90% pork. A fried egg, some beans and a few mushrooms isn’t going to satisfy anyone. If this keeps up we may have to resort to the unthinkable. Yes, Linda McCartney’s meat free, quorn based sausages. And to be honest, I think people would rather starve than eat those things”.

And a spokesperson for O’Ryans Sandwich bars told us “We’re screwed. Do you know how many hang sangwiches we sell at lunchtimes?”

Officials from the Food Safety Authority of Ireland are assuring customers that the chances of side-effects from contaminated products are slim and that only mild mutations and semi-gigantic tumours are expected.

The reality of the situation is unlikely to hit home straight away but as the corpses pile up on the streets of our towns the only winners in all this are the undertakers.

Lord help us all.