Residents of Templeogue in Dublin are calling on Gardai and the army to help them fight a spate of attacks by radical insurrectionist ninjas who have recently moved into the area.

The otherwise sleepy suburb has been on high alert since the first incident took place just two weeks ago. A middle-aged man was making his way to the village through the alleyway that exits at the Allied Irish Bank when all of a sudden a smoke bomb went off and he was viciously assaulted by two ninjas carrying traditional kamas, weapons similar to scythes. The Ninjas were disguised as sheepskin coat wearing bankers to avoid detection. The man underwent surgery in Tallaght hospital but doctors say he will be scarred, both mentally and physically, for the rest of his life.

Ninjas 'Worse than people from Knockylon', say Templeogue residents

There have been other high-profile incidents too. A mother and her four children had their BMW SUV attacked by the black pyjamaed assailants outside Templeogue tennis club while staff at the barber’s shop were set upon at closing time, had their faces ninja-ed in and all their money taken.

Life in the village is becoming insufferable with residents afraid to leave their homes and local businesses are suffering. “We need help”, said Rumpole Stoutmaster, owner of the village pub ‘The Morgue’. “Business is down 90% because of these little yellow bastards and this is a vital time of the year. The festive period is especially important because of the recession and what have you. If people can’t get to the pub then we’re going to have to let staff go and as we all know that brings about a cycle of unemployment, drug abuse, wife beating and sexual molestation of children.

We have asked the Gardai for help but they simply tell us there’s nothing they can do to prevent attacks by such well trained martial artists. “There’s nothing in the handbook to tell us how to cope with Ninjas”, they told me. Can you believe it? And the army? They’re rubbish. A couple of FCA lads came up from the barracks in Rathmines and within minutes the Ninjas had taken them around the back of Hollingsworth’s bike shop and made shite of them. We’re at our wits end”.

There looks to be no end in sight. An offer of help from the US ambassador’s office was turned down with residents accepting the fact that Japanese didn’t much like nuclear weapons but felt the destruction of the entire area was too big a price to pay.

In the meantime Gardai are advising people to only go out in daylight hours and if they must venture into the night to bring some kind of cutlass with them. “Aim for the eyes. They don’t like being cutlassed in the eyes”, said Sergeant Private Ryan of Terenure Garda station.

For residents of Templeogue though this promises to be a black Christmas.