Mince pies, snowmen, presents, decorations, little children sitting on the knee of an elderly aroused man, last minute shopping and driving while drunk. All traditional parts of a great Irish Christmas.

Even Santa forgets where he's parked sometimes

But those law-abiding, tax paying citizens who enjoy nothing more than skulling pints and driving with one eye shut so there’s only one road may find their enjoyment of the festive season ruined by killjoy Gardai who are determined to spoil their fun.

At the launch of their festive road safety campaign, which will see an increase in checkpoints throughout the country, Detective Sergeant Jarlath Langhammer said “Those people who choose and to drink and drive are ignoring the start bit of Trainspotting, a mantra that most of us should live our lives by. They are not choosing life, they are not choosing match leisurewear and luggage, they are not choosing sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows. No, instead of choosing the good things in life they are choosing the opposite. The not good things.

Drink driving is a crime against humanity, much like Amy Winehouse’s vagina. It puts not only their own life in danger but other lives. Drunk drivers think they’re so cool, but they’re not. Anyone caught drink driving will be punished to the full extent of the law”.

New legislation passed earlier this year lays out a punishment table which directly relates to the amount the person is over the limit. From Chinese burns and rashers with a steel-edged ruler for minor indiscretions to having your head cut off live on the internet for being drunker than Kerry Katona on morning TV the Gardai hope the new powers will deter more people from drinking and driving.

But not everybody is going to be dictated too. “This is simply big brother stuff”, said Archie Pewter of Kilkenny. “I have the right to own a car. I have the right to drink alcohol. Who are the government or the Gardai to tell me when it’s appropriate for me to combine the two? I find this kind of thing insulsting and to be honest it makes me want to drink and drive the shit out of the Christmas period”.

Over 24,000 people were killed last December by drink drivers, making it the second worst month in history, after the series of Ayrton Senna copycat deaths in May 2004.