The sleepy suburban shit-pit known as Balbriggan, Co. Dublin has apparently been overrun by a series of unprovoked velociraptor attacks. The Garda switchboard has been inundated with reports of the acid-spitting dinosaurs wreaking havoc on the local townsfolk.

At 2.15pm, a group of pensioners were set upon by the rampaging raptors at a bus stop in the town centre. Early reports indicate the senior citizens attempted to defend themselves using umbrellas and walking sticks. The battle raged on with both parties suffering heavy casualties however, with keener pack instincts, the raptors eventually came out on  top. A Garda cleanup unit is still hosing blood, scales and Horlicks off the road.

In an unrelated incident, the kitchen of the local Comfort Inn hotel was ravaged by a separate, and increasingly aggressive pack of prehistoric ne’er-do-wells. Kitchen staff were completely unable to fight back as vats of boiling Soup du Jour were hurled at them. One survivor, who hid in a steel cupboard, described the experience as “fucking mad, like”.

Local social worker Padraig McCrust hinted at the possibility that the raptor attacks may have stemmed from gangland style initiation rites: “Clearly, these raptors have ganged together in order to fill the void where their own families should be. They are seeking a sense of belonging within the pack that they don’t receive at home. To be honest, who can blame them?”

A government study has been commissioned to further understand the problem of deadly dinosaurs in the urban environment. Funding for the project has been described as ’sparse’ however, with many in the cabinet feeling that the costs outweigh the potential return in terms of north-siders lives.