Aldi, not just for doleheads

Discount supermarket Aldi has emerged as a major stockmarket player having taken advantage of last week’s crash in Bank of Ireland shares.

From a yearly high of €18 shares fell to just €0.85c and millions were lost from stock and pension portfolios. This morning a sharp rise in the bank’s shares was reported on the ISEQ and in the last few minutes the Irish Sentinel has learned that the German supermarket chain was directly responsible.

“Buying in bulk at rock bottom prices allows us to pass on ze saving to ze consumers”, said Jens Heimenschlupper, marketing manager of Aldi Ireland. “Ve vill continue to scour ze world for ze best products with which to fill our popular weekly newsletter”.

The shares are being sold in prime in-store locations with packets of 100 shares available beside the mints and recordable CDs as you place your shopping on the checkout belt.

“This is great”, said Mary O’Brien of Drimnagh, “I come to Aldi to buy dog food to feed my family and now I can be a real life Gordon Gecko too. I know what my husband is getting for Christmas now, some Bank of Ireland shares and a wrench and allen key set. God bless Aldi”.

There are strong rumours that Aldi will introduce a new line of products in early 2009 but Heimenschlupper refused to confirm or deny reports that off-the-shelf human organs would be part of the the range.