It has been widely reported in recent days that many Irish shoppers will cross the border to do their Christmas shopping this year.

Cary Grant - not welcome in Northern Ireland this Christmas

With the favourable exchange rate between sterling the euro consumers are voting with their feet and buying groceries, alcohol and their presents in towns throughout Northern Ireland. Despite concerns from the various Chambers of Commerce in the south the people and politicians of the north are keen to welcome and encourage new visitors.

Iris Robison, wife of DUP leader, NI first minister and Leeds goalkeeper Paul Robinson, and also MP for Strangford, was keen to roll out the red carpet, saying “It’s great for the economy of Northern Ireland to get so many catholics spending their money up here. That means they’re taking money away from catholics down there and with any luck there’ll be another famine. I think the people are coming to Northern Ireland not just for the prices but for the friendly welcome they receive up here”, she said whilst blasting a picture of the pope with the acid urine that shoots from her cavernous vagina.

But not everyone is welcome. Religious idenity can be overlooked but Robinson warned a section of society that they would be better off staying at home. “Let me just make one thing clear”, she said, “we want to keep Northern Ireland as the chaste, pious and uncorrupted nation it is now, so if we see any queers up here we’re going to bash them and put them in prison camps.

They are an abomination of God’s holy law and if they think they can come to Northern Ireland, do a bit of shopping, stopping only to bum each other in the Westwood Shopping Centre, then they’re sadly mistaken. And that goes for lezzers too. Boxes in Northern Ireland are for carrying things in, not for eating like a barbecued crayfish”.

There have been calls for Mrs Robimson to resign over the comments but as one off-the-record DUP member told us “She’s said much worse before and nobody batted an eyelid. Why would that change now?”.

The warning won’t deter gay Irish shoppers though with Shirley Temple Bar promising to ‘flounce up and down the Falls Road with my shopping bags’. Prominent Nothern Irish gay people have condemned Robinson as well with Calum Best saying “I once kissed Linday Lohan and she’s batting for the other side now so that makes me a bit gay or something and you know I’d really like to be on some new reality TV show if you know anyone that’s involved in that kind of thing. Do you know anyone? ANYONE?”