Somali pirates yesterday furthered their reputation as the world’s most fearsome buccaneers as they hijacked the space shuttle Atlantis.

NASA chiefs were left red-faced when the rag-taggle bunch of raiders, armed only with cutlasses, scimitars and fishing nets clambered up the scaffolding just moments before take off. It is believed they stashed the crew in one of the on-board science labs before taking control of the spacecraft. The shuttle is carrying a cargo of dilithium cystals to the International Space Station (ISS) which will then be distributed throughout the universe to Federation vessels.

Thankfully there are no sharks in space

The crystals, mined in Gibraltar, are used to contain and regulate the annihilation reaction of matter and antimatter in a starship’s warp core. Due to the need for natural dilithium crystals for interstellar travel, deposits of this material are a highly contested resource, and as such, dilithium crystals have led to more interstellar conflict than all other reasons combined.

Quite how the Somalis plan to offload the material is unknown at this stage but experts warn that the consequences of them being sold into the wrong hands, or paws, or claws, of flippers, could be catostrophic. “This load of crystals is equivalent to 100% of Gibraltar’s monthly output. It’s an enormous cargo and you would find starships stranded throughout the galaxy unless these supplies are regained”.

Experts are currently in the planning stages of a rescue operation but critics say action must be taken now or it will be too late. “You all know me. Know how I make a living”, said Captain Quint of the USS Orca while scraping his nails down a handily positioned blackboard. “You want your crystals? I’ll get you your crystals”.

The shuttle is currently in an open orbit around planet Barack 75g in the outer rim of the Coruscant system. Communication with the pirates has been impossible as they do not understand English and have no idea how to operate the CB radio in the cockpit.