The Irish film industry received a welcome boost today when it was announced that Hollywood big shot and religious lunatic Tom Cruise is to star in an Irish production early next year.

Tom Cruises into Ahern role

The movie, which is to be a biopic of former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, will be produced by Neil Jordan, directed by Oliver Stone and has a working title of ‘B’. According to insiders it will be a light-hearted look at the reign of one of Ireland’s most controversial politicians, with plans to make Ahern’s life appear more interesting by ‘vaguely’ fictionalising certain parts.

Storyboards show Ahern cacking wildly as he cavorts on the floor of his St Luke’s office throwing old £20 notes into the air. He then phones up his first wife and says ‘You can’t beat a bit of money, an’ all an’ anyway. Isn’t that right?’, before engaging in energetic sex with Celia Larkin, set to be played by transexual superstar Hilary Swank.

It will follow Ahern’s emergence from Penney’s anorak (with mittens attached to sleeves) wearing Fianna Fail lackey to the most powerful man in Ireland behind Gay Byrne. Funding will come from the Irish Film Board and they have described the style of the film as ‘Alfie meets W meets Pan’s Labyrinth meets Downfall meets The Birdcage meets Napoleon Dynamite’.

Other cast members include Liam Neeson as Ian Paisley, Beth Ditto as Mary Harney, Tony Blair as Tony Blair and Mick Lally as Judge Alan P Mahon, the go-getting head of the tribunal which tries to take down Ahern for various alleged financial and planning irregularities. Fluent Italian speaker Paudge Behan was turned down for the role of dumb-as-fuck, down on his luck Irish actor due to his inability to just be himself.

Filming is due to start in March of 2009 with an exact replica of Drumcondra being built in the Moroccan desert.