Barrack Obama, in a move aimed at cementing his bipartisan credentials, appears set to make a number of unusual appointments to his cabinet team. Already widely expected to offer Democrat rival Hillary Clinton the Secretary of State role, the President-Elect is going one step further, reaching out to Frank Philpott, a kid who used to beat the shit out of him and steal his lunch money while he was attending Punahou High School in Hawaii.

According to a source close to Obama’s transition team, Philpott, currently serving a six month sentence in Halawa Correctional facility for mating with a monk seal without a licence, is in line to fill the prodigious position of Secretary of the Interior.

The source said: ‘While Mr Philpott lacks any political experience per se, Obama and his team feel that it is important to reach out to people right across, and way, way beyond, the political spectrum. In troubled times such as these, symbolism often becomes almost fifteen times as important as actually achieving stuff.’ Asked whether Philpott’s incarceration would pose a problem, this random guy replied: ‘Nah. Provided there are no more marine life incidents in the meantime, he’s due out in January, You don’t get a lot of turtles in prison. And fuck it anyway, what are presidential pardons for?’.

Melvin has made a full recovery

Mr Philpott, using his spanking new president-electually donated iPhone to speak to The Irish Sentinel from his jail cell, said: ‘Bring it on, baby. I took the fucker down in high school. Can I do it again? Yes, I can! That lanky black cunt was an easy target back then, and as far as I can see, fuck all has changed. ‘Run home to your Granny, bitch!’ I used to say to him, as he hobbled off, snot running down his nose and his boxers buried in his crack. I ate of whole lot of Big Macs on that snivelling pussy’s dime, I can tell ya. Good times, good times. I look forward to bringing those eye-gouging, bollock kneeing days back.’

Other rumoured Obama appointments include  Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, Virgil Griffin, to the Depatment of Justice and a rather more predictable selection as Education Secretary: Bosie Talylor Bush, bastard son of George Bush and former Miss Idaho, Misty Dawn Taylor.