Carcetti giveth and he taketh away

Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern has warned the murderers of Shane Geoghegan that “no resources will be spared in hunting them down and bringing them to justice”.

He added “It’s one thing shooting a young apprentice plumber in Dublin but the minute you start targetting middle-class rugby players, the most vulnerable members of our society, then you’re opening yourself up to a world of hurt. We’re going to find these guys and open up a can of whoop-ass like you’ve never seen”.

Garda Chief Fachtna Murphy has assured citizens that the Gardai, armed with sticks, will be more than a match for the heavily armed criminal gangs. “We outnumber them so although we’ll suffer some casualties on the front line and during the initial push eventually we’ll get close enough to biff their heads in”.

Meanwhile, Taoiseach Tommy Carcetti has gone back on his promise to increase the money given to Gardai stamp out organised crime gangs and instead used it to print 3,500,000 4 page, full colour, glossy leaflets explaining why the government cannot go ahead with the cervical cancer vaccination for young girls.

Critics have pointed out that the printing, even though it was done at Prontaprint, cost twice actual cost of the vaccination program. Carcetti has dismissed them as ‘corner boys’ and ‘dark sided’, adding that tough decisions have to be made in these difficult times and that anyone who didn’t like them could go and live ’somewhere better, like the mythical equator’.