A pair of bungling robbers got more than they bargained for when they broke into the home of an 83 year old Dubliner last weekend.

Sean Boyce (27) and Philip Cairns (35) were found butchered in Wilfred Cunningham’s Dartry back garden after relatives had reported them missing. Mr Cunningham was last night helping Gardai with their enquiries as the state pathologist cleaned up what he called ‘the bloodiest scene since Mary Harney got her period in the Ivy Baths that time’.

A Garda source told the Irish Sentinel that it appeared as if the criminals had targetted Mr Cunningham due to his advanced years and the fact that he lived on his own. However, had they known his background they would have looked elsewhere.

“From what we can gather it seems that Wilfred Cunningham spent many years in Hollywood as the stunt double for the bad guy in countless movies. He would take part in the climactic fights against the hero and, as is the way on the silver screen, would beat said hero to the point of defeat until something dramatic happened like his head being torn apart by the spinning blades of a twin-prop airplane.

The Ivy Baths have never been the same since

Frustrated at never actually winning a fight he used those years of pent up rage and aggression on the two intruders who felt the full force. It seems he punched them countless times in the head but unlike real life where you get a punch and fall over – these punches were the kind that keep you on your feet and make just a tiny dribble of blood come out of your nose or the side of your mouth. They still cause tremendous damage though.

He basically thumped them from the upstairs bedroom, where they accosted him, right down to the bottom of the garden at which point he flayed them, choked them on folds of their own skin and summoned a flock of crows to peck out their eyes. It must have been a terrible way to go”.

Neighbours are calling for Gardai to release Cunningham without charge. “It’s about time these gurriers got what was coming to them”, said Jane Goochscoop (78). “I was robbed and beaten for €12.45 just last year and they never caught the scallywags who did it. They say as you get older you become more forgiving but I hope those men suffered awfully and I hope it serves as a warning for those who target old people just because we’re old”.

There was no official comment from the Gardai last night but our sources tell us negotiations with Mr Cunningham to take care of the Shell to Sea protesters are well underway.

: An old man gives his reaction to the story

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