Internet access in operating theatres is to be discontinued at all major Irish hospitals after it emerged doctors are using wikipedia to help perform complicated surgeries.

It was revealed late last week that when Eircom’s broadband service went down in the Dublin 7 area one surgeon had to make frantic phonecalls to a colleague in order to complete a routine appendectomy. There have been claims from nurses and other clinical staff that many doctors don’t have the first clue how to carry out the procedures and without the internet they’d be utterly lost.

DIY Operations: Wiki nightmare for doctors

“You wouldn’t believe how little some of them know”, said an unnamed sister from Beaumont Hospital. “They blag their way through med school, drinking and taking all kinds of tranquilisers they prescribe for themselves, then when they reach the real world they realise they don’t remember a thing about their training. Then they find themselves in an operating theatre and given the task of cutting people open. For a while it looked as if some of them thought they were fixing carriage clocks. When the nurses would say ‘You seem to have a few bits left over’ they’d simply dismiss us saying they knew what they were doing.

It wasn’t long before they started coming in to theatre with their PDAs and Macbook Airs. You can find anything you want on Wikipedia and they’re using it as they slice and stitch the patients. You just can’t imagine how Facebook status lines which read ‘Repairing someone’s spleen, using Wikipedia, LOL!’ there are. I know if I was a patient I’d want to be sure my doctor was focussed on the job, not reading about the Nazca lines because he’s followed the wrong Wiki link”.

Initially hospital bosses were unconcerned, feeling that it showed resourcefulness and initiative, but when it was pointed out that the information on Wikipedia was notoriously suspect they backtracked for fear of legal proceedings should a surgery go wrong.

As such the only recourse for doctors who have forgotten a vital part of the operation is call Irish Psychics Live or other premium rate services and hope they speak to somebody with medical experience and/or internet access.

WIKI ERRORS – FAMOUS MISTAKES SPOTTED ON WIKIPEDIA

Adolf Hitler was named one of the world’s great impressionist painters.

A Trinity College student had his degree declared null and void after it was discovered he’d copied an entire Wiki entry which claimed the town of Peniche, Portugal, was populated entirely by hunchback dwarves.

Former Ireland manager Steve Staunton was erroneously described as a ‘big thick cunt’, when in reality he was a ‘big, thick, ruddy faced, ginger, useless cunt’.

Author Dick Francis, real name Algernon Carmichael, was said by Wikipedia to have gotten his nom de plume after being caught masturbating over a picture of the famous saint of Assisi.

Every single piece of football transfer information posted on Wikipedia has been incorrect.

Adam Clayton of U2 is described as Irish when his birth certificate lists his nationality as ‘West Brit’.

: A doctor responds to the internet ban.

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