Beelzebudget 2009

The Minister for Health Mary Harney has been praised for her courageous strategy in solving the recent medical card crisis.

Together with Brian Lenihan, the two ministers have devised what they call a ‘fair and balanced’ plan to ensure that nobody over 70 is left out in the cold following this year’s highly controversial budget.

Under the new scheme entitled “Dul Abhaile”, people over 70 with an annual income of less that €360,000 will be given the opportunity to avail of assisted suicide in any of the 12 new “departure centres” that are to be built in strategic locations around the country.

The corpses of the dead will then be ground into a green, wafer-like substance, taxed at 21.5% then sold in Fallon & Byrne to assholes who drive low-powered BMW’s with M badges glued on the back.

The cost of the suicide procedures will be passed on to the taxpayer initially, but it is hoped that the long-term savings will outweigh the setup costs and help to shore up the struggling exchequer.

In an earlier press conference, Brian Lenihan weakly apologised for scaring the living fucking piss out of the elderly, then went on to confirm that the “Dul Abhaile” scheme will begin in Q2 2009.

He stated that the scheme will “not effect those with a few quid tucked underneath the matress”, whilst winking slyly to a bank of press photographers.

The press conference was cut short however when an elderly woman stood up to challenge Minister Lenihen on the medical card fiasco.

It would seem the pressures of the budget finally got to the TD as he leapt from the rostrum with all the grace of a retarded gazelle and proceeded to beat the pensioner to death with her own Zimmer frame.