Residents of Callan in County Kilkenny are holding a sponsored gang rape this evening on the back GAA pitch at 7pm. The rapees are an American couple who stumbled into town during a walking holiday so there’s fun for boys and girls.

There’s an entrance fee of €5 for which you will receive a salmon sandwich and kitchen towel for wiping. All funds raised will be going to build a new donkey sanctuary and organisers say marshmallows will be handed out for toasting when the bodies are being burned in the giant Miley Byrne shaped wicker man at the finale.

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Alan Molloy, Dublin

A County Wexford man has been jailed for four years at the Central Criminal Court today in Dublin for impersonating Pat Kenny. Forty-six year old Alan Molloy underwent years of painful plastic surgery to make himself look identical to the Late, Late Show host. On the premise of coming home for his lunch the fake Pat Kenny made love to the real Pat Kenny’s wife on twenty-four separate occasions, resulting in 63 orgasms and a badly stained couch.

Judge Grandmaster Flash called his actions ‘reprehensible’ but understood why he’d done it as Mrs Kenny was a MILF and a half.

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There were raucous celebrations in Manorhamilton, Co Leitrim, as the town formally announced its twinning with Wasilla, Alaska last night. A symbolic key was sent to the mayor of each town and in a video link up they consumated the union by eviscerating an abortion doctor live on the web before devouring his flesh and guzzling his blood out of stone goblets.

Wasilla is famous for being the town where Sarah Palin cut her political teeth and one local described it as a real honour to be associated with such a godless cunt.

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Finally, a Kenyan man who made headlines last month after his wedding to a goat has filed for divorce after he discovered his new bride had been having an affair with Billy Bob Thornton. The former husband of Angelina Jolie sent explicit texts, such as ‘Oh im gonna suk the milk right out of ur teats’.

A spokesman for the actor denied the claims but it came too late to save the goat’s life as she was roasted (over a fire) after being hanged in the town hall square.