As the government prepares to bend us over and insert its barbed penis into the unlubricated anus of the people of Ireland a new measure designed to raise further money is to be announced.

In what experts are calling the ultimate stealth tax every household in Ireland will have to pay €175 to have a PPF toilet installed, proving a major boom for builders who have found work hard to come by. Minister for the Environment John Gormely explains. “What’s the biggest waste of money in Ireland today? No, not the Irish Independent. No, not the bailout for the banks using the money we’ve ripped off from the savings of people who have been ripped off by the banks in the first place? No, not even groceries in Fallon & Byrne.

Poulaphouca feeling the effects of Ireland's dry summers

It’s water. We waste so much water and water isn’t free, you know. It’s not like there’s a magic water tree or water falls from the sky. And wasting water costs money as we have to pay for adverts on the TV and radio to remind people not to waste water. I know people don’t actually have to water their lawns for an hour, what with the fact it rains 23 hours a day in Ireland, but we have to tell them just in case we do get some sunshine one day.

Anyway, the point is that one of the biggest wastes of water is when people flush their toilets. These new toilets are pay per flush and the price of each flush depends on what you’re flushing. There’s a standard 20 cent charge for a wee but all stools will be electronically weighed as they hit the toilet bowl and you’ll pay per weight to flush them. We haven’t quite decided on the price per kilo but if you go to the supermarket you’ll see mince is about €4 per kilo and a brown baby boy is only half as nutritous as mince so we’re thinking €2 per kilo.

I realise this isn’t actually going to save that much water but what I think you’ll find is that people will fill up their toilets before flushing as you’ll get extra value for flushing in bulk. Easy-Z-flush swipe cards will be available in supermarkets and newsagents across Ireland and we’re hoping to have the system in place by the end of the year’.

It is believed that Armitage Shanks has won the tender to manufacture the toilets, beating off rival bids from Roca and a consortium led by former Irish international Ashley Grimes.

But critics of the plan say the government has gone too far, pointing out that similar schemes in Germany and France have failed to provide any water savings and have done little but make Dynarod even richer as pipes fail to cope with kilos of faeces being sluiced in one go.

“It’s a godsend for people like us”, said Dynarod boss Walt Pishney, “but the bottom line, if you’ll excuse the pun, is that people’s houses start to stink like a Burmese shack and the risks to peoples health are enormous with the emergence of an entirely new breed of dung beetle one of the obvious side effects. Some of them grow so large then can devour a small child”.

But Minister Gormley is not for moving, citing improved environmental standards and more money in government coffers which can then be used to rescue their friends in the banking and construction industries.

: A German man at the seaside tells us about how the scheme went down in his country.

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