Newspaper of the Century | The 2008 Hijinx Awards

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October 1, 2008

M50 channels Chris Rea and becomes road to hell

Posted by : Arnold Corns
Filed under : Irish News

Motorists were up in arms today as it was revealed that the problems associated with barrier free tolling on the M50 were even more serious than first thought.

After reports leaked that the system was making upwards of 10,000 mistakes per day the National Roads Authority moved quickly to assure people that any errors would be swiftly corrected. So far people have received bills for trips they did not take, many have seen payments made and then been told they haven’t made a payment while a large number of M50 users have reported receiving demands of payment for bills which could only have been racked up by passing through the tolling station twenty-six times an hour.

There has already been tragedy in Closnilla as one wife believed her husband to have been having an affair after opening letters looking for payment when she expected him to be in the office. She then surmised he had resumed a relationship with an old girlfriend he had happened to mention in passing some months previously. Blinded with rage and jealousy she smothered their three children before hanging herself from a tree in the back garden. The man in question has had his name placed in Stubbs Gazette and faces a criminal prosecution for not paying the €3 toll for the journey he never made.

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These problems are compounded by the fact that the helpline for motorists is only open between 10am and 4pm (closed from 12.15 – 2pm for lunch) and is manned by a team of elderly Bangladeshi women whose training manual has been leaked to the Irish Sentinel. Guidelines tells operators that under no circumstances should any refund be given, nor should there be any admission of wrongdoing.

However, in what will be seen as a complete embarrassment to the operators of the toll plaza, there are now reports of parents whose children were raped and murdered by paedophiles being sent bills for journeys made by those paedophiles as they drove around with the child’s body in the boot of the car.

Mary Phillips, whose 12 year old son was brutally killed and violated by a pervert who had been released from prison by one of his High Court Judge friends just hours before said “They say you never get over the death of a child. Well, you’ll certainly never get over the death of a child then the bailifs appearing at the church and repossessing the coffin and the body until you pay the M50 toll charge that wasn’t yours to begin with. How many more parents will have to go through this kind of thing until it’s too many?

And you know what the worst thing is? When they had people operating the toll bridge it only cost €1.90 to use it. Now they don’t have to pay anyone and it’s €3. How does that work then?”

A spokesperson for the NRA would not go on the record for the Irish Sentinel but expressed mild amusement that anybody thought things would be different.

Long time objector to the M50, Senator Shane Ross, was more forthcoming though calling everybody associated with it “a shower of feckless clits”.

: A paedophile on an airplane gives his reaction to the news

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