At least 154 people were killed and hundreds more injured after a stampede at Mount Argus church near Harold’s Cross in Dublin.

Officials say severe overcrowding was to blame as thousands of people flocked back to the Catholic faith in the wake of the recent financial crisis.

Father Magee prays for the flattened

“There is no doubt the toll will rise”, said Father Aloysious Magee, “many people who were not killed outright were severely injured and when you think about how very crap our hospitals are we don’t hold out much hope for them”.

There are mixed reports as to why the stampede occurred. One witness says that rumours began to spread that Ireland’s holiest man, Bono, would be arriving and worshipers clambered over each other to get a better view. Another man claims that it was announced that as well as the host and a drop of wine the priests and laypeople on the altar would be dispensing spice burgers and chips for those too poor to feed their families.

There are unconfirmed reports that some Liverpool fans in attendance pickpocketed the corpses but this has been flatly denied by Terry from Brookside. While the public outpouring of grief has been of Dianaesque proportions there are those who have little sympathy for the dead.

“What nonsense”, said a local, “it’s been lovely and quiet around here and now that things are bad all these people supposedly come back to God. They’re so fickle they deserve to be dead. Unlike the people who stampede to death in places like India and the middle-east. They deserve to be dead for worshiping pagan prophets like Muhabba and Findus”.

It is the first religious stampede death since the Great Knock Tragedy of 1976. Four hundred and twenty pilgrims were trampled to death by a pack of wild horses who had been let loose in the marquee in which the then Bishop of Muff was celebrating mass.

A smaller number of people, just forty-six, died two years ago in the South Circular Road mosque when a terrorist posed as a Muslim cleric. Nobody noticed his beard was a beard of killer bees until it was too late, leading to a complete ban on all types of insects being worn as facial hair in religious buildings in Ireland, much to the annoyance of the Church of the latter day Hornet ‘tached saints.