Manchester City Star, Stephen Ireland, has issued new Republic of Ireland football supremo, Giovanni Trappatoni, a list of demands which he wants met before he will consider resuming his international career. Irishman, Ireland has not played for Ireland since he controversially left the squad prior to the Euro 2008 qualifier versus Czech Republic in September last year.

It transpired that Ireland’s girlfriend, 3 months pregnant at the time, and both his paternal and maternal grandparents were dining in an Indian Restaurant on Manchester’s famous curry mile when one Granny suffered a massive heart attack, the other drowned in the toilet after rushing there to vomit and the girlfriend miscarried the baby as she desperately tried to hold in a fart in case she shit her knicks. “I warned them not to have the vindaloo”, remarked restaurant owner, Charles Vikram Massala III.

Since then it has emerged that Ireland was the victim of bullying by certain elements of the team prior to this incident. “The abuse I got was terrible, I couldn’t take it any longer. Some of the lads on the team were so cruel, the shit they used to say…“Tarmac my drive you filthy Mick cunt.”, “I wish your family had died in the famine”, “IRA Cunt”, “Your aul one’s a snowblower”… it was just awful. I was left with no option but to leave the squad.”, said a teary eyed Ireland from the front seat of his Pink Hummer.

“I promised myself then that I’d never again play for the team but having seen how well the lads have done with Fabio Capello at the helm I’ve decided to return to the fold provided the following demands are met:

1 – If anyone takes the piss out of me in any way shape or form they are immediately dropped from the panel and banned from entering the country for 10 years. This will require an amendment to the Constitution of Ireland but if you want me back, you’ll do what the necessary.
2 – John O’Shea must not be allowed into the showers or shower area while I am there.
3 – Kevin Kilbane must cease walking with a hunchback with immediate effect
4 – Damien Duff must be removed from the squad and sent to a care home for Downs Syndrome children as the exploitation of the mentally ill does not sit well with me
5 – I get to drive the team bus
6 – Robbie Keane must never again do that stupid celebration of his as it makes him, me, the rest of the team, the manager, the assistant manager, the physio, the doctor, the stadium announcer, the stewards, the supportes and basically the entire country look like complete and utters cunts.
7 – The team be brought to McDonalds on the Kylemore road for happy meals following each victory
8 – I be allowed eat as many wham bars as I like in the lead up to games
9 – All ginger players be either removed from the panel or killed
10 – I get to play in just my superman pants

Duff: Not Impressed

If these demands are not met I’m afraid there is no chance I can return to the panel”

Wing wizard, Duff, was clearly not impressed with what Ireland had to say. “I’m going swimming!!”, remarked the slightly bewildered Ballyboden man. “That bleedin’ sap can ask me bollix” added a less than articulate Irish captain, Robbie Keane. When asked to comment on the ultimatum given him by Ireland, manager Trapattoni simply smiled and said “He no want a fuck a with a the silver a fox from a sorrento. I a fuck in his mammas face! He say to me “I want this” I say to him “Fuck to you!!Eat my shit!!”

Former boss, Steve Staunton, is up on murder charges after boring a journalist to death when quizzed about the matter.