Libertas spokeswoman Philomena Cobraman today cited the tragic events in Jokela, Finland as yet another example of the dangers inherent in further integration with the European project.

Speaking last night to The Irish Sentinel, Mrs Cobraman claimed that under a provision contained in Article 16, Subsection S, Paragraph 3, Word 87 of the Lisbon Treaty, Ireland could be forced to not only adopt Finland’s lax gun control laws, but also to replicate, in ritualistic bloody detail, any firearm fatalities that occur in mainland Europe.

‘When you read the fine print of The Treaty, or just about any document, memorandum or pizza delivery menu originating from Brussels, it becomes apparent that these bureaucratic bureaucrats want to steal all life choices and indeed life, from the Irish people. It’s no longer just about the murder of teeny cuddly tadpoley foetuses, the cutiest wutiest babies of them all, it’s about random stranger death too. Europe is in favour of murder full stop, you might say. Or murder, period. Period murder! That too!’

Bananarama: not without blame

A poll conducted by Contador reveals that a majority of Irish people are concerned about the concept of institutionalised slaughter with respondents expressing particular reservations in relation to the possibility of compulsory placenta pogromming.

Public support for the abolition of the World Wide Web also soared last night after it was revealed that Finnish gunman Maati Saari utilised the internet not only to post sinister YouTube video clips, communicate with a previous killer and play violent video games, but also to illegally download the complete works of Bananarama.

Ernst Filed of Angst-Ridden Middle-class Parents against Information Technology is leading calls for the demolition of the Information Super Highway. ‘Guns don’t kill people,’ said stay-at-home dad Filed, ‘the internet does. And mobile phones too. Think about it. Back in the day, when people got all their world news in the church grounds of a Sunday, it was all about how Mary wasn’t at Mass again and how the postman spent an awful long time delivering that package to Mrs Flood. If we didn’t know about it, who’s to say that it happened at all?’

While popular opinion remains divided on whether downloadable ringtones are ultimately responsible for the Finnish massacre, one fact remains uncontested: it’s all about us.