Irish celebrity account Eddie Hobbs has reacted with glee to the news that the country is officially in a recession for the first time since 1983.

Enjoys fine dining while people starve

The star of TV hits such as ‘Show me the money’, ‘Spend it like Beckham’, ‘Eddie’s Euro Vision’ and ‘Eddie does Dallas’ today held a press conference in Captain America’s on Grafton Street. Hobbs munched on tepid fries and nibbled the fat from the BBQ ribs as he told journalists “I told yiz this’d happen, didn’t I? Didn’t I? But yiz wouldn’t listen to a little annoying fella from Cark. No, that’d be beyond yiz but who’s laughin’ now? For the fella from the Daily Mirror, it’s me that’s laughin’, you can put your hand down”.

Hobbs, who critics have likened to a four-eyed toad with an aptitude for Microsoft Excel, went on to blame not just the government but the entire population for the predicament. “If yiz’d been a bit more spendthrift instead of splashin’ the money around like a pack of rappers who’ve just had their first gold record but don’t realise the record company still owns their hairy, black arses then maybe we wouldn’t be in this position today. You can’t say I didn’t tell yiz though. I know nobody likes people who say I told you so but by Jesus I told yiz so”.

Financial experts are warning that things could get even tougher in the months to come. Brian McGrath of Davy Stockbrokers told the Irish Sentinel “What you’ll probably see over the next little while is people tightening their belts, quite literally, because they can’t afford to eat. Naturally this is going to have a massive impact on the gym industry which has been the backbone of the economy since the early 90s. As soon as people started getting a bit of money then it hugely impacted on their vanity and in order to sate that desire they had to join gyms. From the cheap and cheerful Ben Dunne ones to the exclusive ‘happy ending’ members clubs almost 94% of Irish people are members of a gym.

With luxuries such as food, sanitation and medicine being the first things people will cut back on their self-esteem will plummet, there’ll be no need for the gym memberships, the gyms will close and when that happens we’ll have hit rock bottom. Even if things do improve slightly there won’t be any gyms so we’ll become a nation of desperately unhappy skeletal people and, without trying to look at the worst case scenario, it’s not impossible that Irish people could become extinct within the next fifty years.

Only the very rich will survive and as we all know it’s the common people who breed most often. With no plebs we will simply die out”.

But the government is calling for people not to panic and Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan has assured people that he knows exactly what he’s doing. When asked what those two bulging suitcases were for and why he was holding a one-way plane ticket for Panama he said his department would explain in the very near future.

: The people of Clontarf give their reaction to the news of the Ireland’s recession plus we hear from chief economist at Supermacs group who gives his stark solution to the problem.

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