TV3 will this evening premiere a new family drama entitled ‘The Littlest Death Gerbil’, the station’s latest attempt to capitalise on the viewing public’s lust for homespun wisdom and sickening torture porn. In a bold move away from their usual diet of eye-gougingly hideous reality television and consistently appalling z-list celebrity chat, the station have commissioned more than 40 scripts, one from each of the writing staff at Fair City.

Producer Tinneas Fiacaile said yesterday: ‘Each week will see Gary the Death Gerbil visit a community and become embroiled in a trifling domestic problem. After resolving the issue with a series of charming squeaks and cute gerbilish wiggling, our hero, using his awesome mind-control powers, will cause the protagonists to horribly butcher each other in a variety of ways until all lie eviscerated in their own faeces. Gary will then move on down the lonely road.’

Gaiety School of Acting graduate Michael Hay as Gary

In a major coup, TV3 have obtained the talents of David Gray to pen the sad closing credits music.

Fiacaile continued: ‘I believe that we have discovered an original template that will appeal to the whole family, from Granny to Baby, trapped and bitter parent to Ritalin-riddled child.  There will even be something in there for the Columbine-obsessed teenager in the house!’

Responding to concerns that there may not be enough actors in Ireland to populate 40 episodes of nihilistic carnage the producer politely snapped: ‘Are you fucking kidding me? Have you been anywhere near The Fringe Festival? There are thousands of those fuckers and most of them will work for free. It’s only a pity we can’t kill the filthy layabouts in real life.’

A reality based version of the drama is said to be in the pipeline.