The Abbey Theatre was last night forced to cancel an evening performance of ‘Obligatory Wilde’ due to an anonymous ‘Scottish King’ threat. It was the third cancellation of the play in as many weeks.

Front of House manager Angela Mooney received the call just five minutes before the Brian Friel translation of the classic tourist-trapping play was due to begin.

‘T’was a husky, high-pitched voice,’ said Mooney, ‘Sent a chill down me spine, it did. He had the sound of a kiddy-fiddler about him. A kiddy-fiddler or a voice-over artist. He said that if the show went ahead, an audience member would stand up and start shouting ‘Macbeth! Macbeth!’. He also squealed ‘He might even whistle, bitch!’.  I was feckin’ terrified.’

Recent studies have shown that whistling within the walls of a performance space is a contributory factor in Sudden Actor Death Syndrome.

Relieved theatre-goers were informed of the problem before being shooed out of the building by bouncers drafted in from a local underage drinking haven.  Most audience members went straight to the aforementioned bar to celebrate. Theatrically weeping cast members were also evacuated.

Breast-free panic ensues at The Abbey

‘We refuse to take risks with the safety of our patrons, or that of our employees’ said a management spokesman. ‘It is true that the super-numeraries remained inside the theatre, but that’s only because super-numerary is just a fancy name for an extra. And extras aren’t worth shit to anyone. They’re disposable. Even the parents of extras are filled with nothing but scorn for their own progeny.’

Two recent performances have also been cancelled. Ten days ago a self-inflicted over-emoting injury suffered by lead actress Tara Tent led to the show being pulled after just thirty seconds, while last Saturday’s matineé saw punters being sent home when grizzled character actor Milo McGann, having been disturbed by the ringing of a mobile phone on his bus journey to the theatre, was said to be ‘just not feeling it.’

Media reaction to the cancellations ranged from: The fuck happened to the show must go on? to Who gives a toss?.

While Gardaí are confident of catching last night’s cancellation culprit, (‘We’re pretty sure it’s Tubridy!’ said Detective Inspector Les O’Toole), the incident heaps further embarrassment upon an already discredited art form.

‘Fillums,’ opined Ms Mooney, ‘never get cancelled. And anyway, Disaster Movie has tits in it. There’s hardly ever any tits in plays.’